Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Financial Sarcasm Roundup for 02/09/16

New Hampshire voters have made up their minds tonight, mostly in favor of outsiders. I have made up my mind in favor of myself, because I can fix all of America's problems with sarcasm.

Silicon Valley startups aren't happy anymore. Unicorn employees are taking off their party hats, realizing that the unicorn they were riding to riches was a donkey in its own party hat all along. Employees who were counting on their stock options to pay for a McMansion are watching those dreams evaporate. Liquidation preferences are the well-connected VCs' way of walking away laughing at everyone who worked hard from the start. BTW, I have never seen the point of the Crunchies awards. A corporation's performance is not like a movie or pop song. The only performance that matters is the bottom line. Net income is the only award that pays bills.

Germany is lining up praise for Deutsche Bank. I recall hearing the same things from Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers before they fell apart. It's too bad the ECB's bank stress tests weren't really stressful. Examiners could have looked under the hood at Deutsche Bank and figured out what needs fixing. Now investors need to take a look at the entire European banking sector's exposure and figure out who's sitting on powder kegs. Greek sovereign debt is the obvious first place to look, then Chinese sovereign debt, then other emerging market debt, then any rotten bananas stored in these banks' break room refrigerators.

San Francisco property owners are sitting on big bubble values. No one saw this coming, of course, after the dot-com bubble and housing bubble of the last decade. I love the mention of all-cash buyers looking for investment properties. The clueless private equity funds and assorted rich people who bought homes in The City sealed their own fates. I will buy what they abandon at bargain prices.

Voting is awesome. Medieval peasants would rebel against their lords when they didn't like working conditions. Today we have the bloodless option called elections to voice displeasure with Establishment elites. I would seriously consider voting for a candidate who formally adopts sarcasm as a campaign platform.