Thursday, September 19, 2013

Outlandish Innovations We All Need Now

I've spent more time down in Silicon Valley in the past few months than in the first 40 years of my life.  That place is full of bona fide geniuses churning out untold wonders of technology.  I'd like to throw out some sample high-tech ideas that I've been spinning around my noggin' just to see what sticks to the wall.

Solar-powered pants.  I watched one guy charge up his smartphone by plugging into an outlet on a Muni train.  If he had worn solar-powered pants he could have just plugged it into his . . . well, you get the picture.  The size of this market is huge.  Dude, everybody wears pants.

Baloney detector.  I could have used this one while I was involved with military veterans' groups for a couple of years.  It would have to look and work like a Star Trek tricorder so I could detect a range of scams, schemes, lies, and half-truths.  It would also need modulation to differentiate between mild shades of embellishment and flat-out fabrications.

X-ray glasses.  I'm not talking about the gag version of X-Ray Specs you can buy on eBay for a nickel.  I'm talking about the real thing that will allow me to see into women's locker rooms and through the attire of the hot chicks I meet at business conferences.  The ideal configuration would be an app that enables Google Glass to assess my momentary dream gal's measurements.  Plug this thing into solar-powered pants and I'd be "energized" in more ways than one, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

Pocket Death Star.  The Death Star is a mighty battle station but it would be extremely costly to construct to scale in reality.  The "pocket battleship" once carried heavy armament while adhering to lighter displacement.  I would like to create a pocket-sized Death Star about the size of a tennis ball that I can use to painfully zap people I don't like in my vicinity.  This low-powered, fun-size version of the Imperial battle station would fly out of my jacket pocket and use its non-lethal superlaser to scare the bejeezus out of anyone who triggers an alert on my baloney detector.  Solar-powered pants would provide the energy source to make it go.  It would also impress chicks that I'm checking out with my X-ray glasses.

I'd be willing to fund any and all of these inventions if a startup will grant me 100% equity and pay me all of the licensing income in perpetuity.  I want someone else to do all of the work so I can take all of the reward.  That's the American way and I'm all about pursuing my American dream.  My technological mastery will make me overlord of all the induhviduals who stand in my way.