Friday, July 19, 2013

Pet Peeves Against Attendees at Intellectual Events in San Francisco

My regular readers know that I routinely attend events at the World Affairs Council and Commonwealth Club here in San Francisco.  I get plenty of genius material there but other attendees do things that annoy me to no end.  I have a hard time accepting that so many smart people can do so many dumb things.  I chalk it up to the self-absorption of at least two generations reared on the primacy of "self-esteem."  This stupid sentiment has obliterated common sense and basic standards of conduct in the name of immature self-actualization.

Fear not, San Francisco.  Alfidi Capital has a solution to all social ailments, provided free of charge thanks to my enormous generosity and concern for the human condition.  Here are some areas where Bay Area intellectuals need to pay more attention when they're out enriching their minds at high-end venues.

Canine companions.  Dogs are cute and I pet them when I see them.  They do not belong in intellectual seminars.  First of all, they can't comprehend English and don't possess advanced degrees, so they can't benefit from listening to experts.  Sarcasm aside, they bark during lectures no matter how well-behaved their owners think they are, so they disrupt important discussion points.  None of the dogs I've seen at these lectures are service dogs in harnesses that guide disabled people; they're just pets out for a walk.  People need to leave their pets at home, or else find them a home where they won't be owned by an inconsiderate nitwit.

Drinks in containers.  I've never understood the phenomenon of the last decade or so where urban dwellers need to drag a bottle of water, coffee, green tea with pomegranate and aloe additives, or some other liquid encumbrance with them everywhere they go.  It's bad enough to be in line behind these people on a bus or trolley while they fumble for change with one hand and hang onto their sports bottle with the other.  Now I have to deal with them in club lectures where they kick over their bottles and stain carpets.  People, drink something at home or at the cafe before you come to the lecture.

Cell phones.  Turn them off before hand, for crying out loud.  That's what the hosts always tell us to do but intellectuals with expensive educations sometimes have difficulty following simple instructions.

Grandstanding.  This is something that happens all the time at the Commonwealth Club.  The panel opens up for audience Q&A and invariably an attention-starved loudmouth will preface a question with a long-winded diatribe about their background working with some precious non-profit.  This tends to happen at the environment and energy events because the closet socialists (excuse me, professional activists) around town are pathologically unable to refrain from pushing their agendas.  Hey idiots, just because you feel passionately about taxing the 1% just to save your favorite single-celled amoeba doesn't mean you deserve a seat at the table with real experts.  Quit hogging air time.  Ask your question and then shut your fat mouth so other people can get their questions answered.

I hereby request that my fellow intellectuals in The City grow the heck up and make life more pleasant during public lectures.  If any of you overeducated ding-dongs are confused about how to behave properly at intellectual events, just follow my example.  I don't bring animals into lectures they won't understand.  If I need a drink, I head out afterwards to a bar where the hot women of this town await my attention.  I turn off my cell phone before the event begins, because my high-powered contacts can wait until I'm done.  I sit quietly and usually take notes, because genius lectures deserve praise on a genius blog like mine.  I ask a question without introducing myself or proclaiming my agenda, and then I sit down.  San Franciscans need to use more common sense while out in public.  That's a tall order but it's part of my lifelong one-person war against stupidity.