Monday, May 05, 2014

Financial Sarcasm Roundup for 05/05/14

I have been quite busy these past few weeks and I have not had much time to generate a whole lot of analysis.  You people will have to busy yourselves with my haiku until things settle down.  Here's some sarcasm to keep you motivated or make you upset.  I truly don't care how any of you feel after reading my genius language.

The National Stock Exchange is preparing to cease operations.  Who are these people anyway?  I've never heard of them and I'm really in step with the markets.  They should have done what IEX Group did to beat the dark pools at their own game but I guess routing slower trades never occurred to them.  Maybe a couple of squirrels could use their system to trade acorns after they turn the lights out.

Norway is transferring its sovereign wealth fund from JPMorgan to Citigroup.  Oh for crying out loud, that is a dumb move.  Switching from the Rockefeller's family bank to a bank that needed massive government bailouts shows how little the Norwegians understand about the American aristocracy.  The Rockefeller institutions have proven remarkably resilient.  JPM is one domino that will stick straight up as others fall thanks to its elite connections.  Just ask Warren Buffett, who has owned JPM in his personal portfolio.

American banks are cutting their exposure to Russian transactions.  I think a lot of bicoastal preppies will run short of imported caviar if Russian exporters can't get credit lines at US banks.  Further sanctions could very well force these banks to sell off what remains of their Russian loan portfolios, in a discounted gift to any European banks able to line up bids.  Our banks have very limited exposure to Russia anyway.

Here's something that America's home-grown conspiracy nuts won't like.  Deutsche Bank is telling its US clients to close their accounts because FATCA's reporting requirements are too onerous.  Our Treasury notes these concerns by saying it won't stringently enforce FATCA through 2015.  That noise is small consolation for non-US banks that don't want to comply with US assertions of sovereignty outside American borders.  The stupid Americans who opened accounts overseas thinking they can escape federal tax scrutiny are about to get their fingers broken hard as foreign doors slam shut.  American citizens will comply with federal tax reporting and they will learn to like it.

There hasn't been a whole lot in the news lately to make me angry.  I have been quite happy lately noting that there are a lot of attractive women walking around my local area wearing shorts, tight skirts, and yoga pants.  I just might invite them over to my place where they can unburden themselves of said clothing, if I can find the time in my schedule.